Week 48

You aren’t late, it’s week 48! What a week it has been. 

Why didn’t anyone tell me that the process of marriage is WORK? My therapist would be so disappointed if she saw this question. 

Emotional Check-In: This process can really pull you, if you let it. Without going into details, we really had a tough discussion about making space for each other’s life, and how to prioritize blending each other’s life. We don’t want to be two married people living single lives. What this means is that we coexist when it is convenient for us both, but make our own decisions when we are in our own world. Instead, we both see the benefit of fully intertwining our lives and creating a life strategy that involves input from us both. This doesn’t mean that we will always be around each other, and this doesn’t mean that we control each other’s lives. This instead means that we strategize our schedules, communicate greatly, and submit and support. Submit and support is the name of the game. 

I also learned at this moment that there are really daily choices in being married–you can fully lean in with no armor, no self-protection mechanisms, all vulnerability and in all willingness, OR you can do the opposite and not experience the fullness of marriage. I really have to ask myself in each disagreement if I want to be right and protected, or married. 

LET ME PREFACE: This mindset is only for safe relationships that are not filled with abuse, violence, addiction, coercion, or manipulation. If those things are present, put on all of the armor and feel empowered to find your safest exit strategy. 

Back to the question–I didn’t realize how much I have to humble myself to experience the connection of marriage. I have a man that wants to integrate with me. But, to reach integration, we must first run into each other at some point. This is a hard concept for me to grasp as someone who has always known how to protect herself from things that aren’t even threatening, but I am learning about how much of life I have the privilege of experiencing on the other side of vulnerability and submission. 

Marriage Planning Updates: This week and beyond, I am declaring that I will no longer hold onto the pain of the grief that I am experiencing and hang that as my ONLY experience during this marriage planning process. It isn’t fair to Tracy, and it isn’t fair to me. Therefore, I am leaning in. Leaning in to discussing joint accounts, moving in together, parenting styles, house duties, collective service in the community, income aspirations, expression of needs, and boundaries (these are all of the topics that have recently been discussed). It is scary to reposition such large emotions because I have been conditioned to believe that enjoying life while grieving absence is selfish. However, I am learning that opening these options allows the complexity of grief to become less layered and more compartmentalized, which then feels more feasible to manage and feels more opportune to insert the positive experiences. 

So, prepare for these emotional check-ins to have joy as well!

Something cool about our relationship is that we are both small business owners. Tracy has a DJ/Entertainment company, and I have a wellness business. This has been a season where the bookings have been flowing in (praise God) and so we have found beautifully unique ways to support each other’s business endeavors. It has grown our bond just by seeing each other in our element and allowing space for each of us to be motivated in our talents. It is definitely vulnerable to allow someone in on the first stages of the business-building process, but it is so therapeutic to have someone root you on no matter the stage that you are in. 

Wedding Planning Updates: There is nothing major happening on the wedding planning agenda besides getting ready for our engagement pictures. I am starting to feel the reality set in that we are getting married, and the disconnection is starting to dwindle. I think for many years, I experienced marriage as only a dream or a wish, and not a reality. To know that this is not just for show, this isn’t a fantasy thought, but that this is real life and real work makes me feel full as a woman. I definitely can’t wait to see what the pictures bring to the surface!

I am going to compile the next couple of weeks together to save you the intensive details. Plus, I have a feeling things are about to kick up. :) 

xo