Week 44

This by far was one of the most challenging weeks that I’ve navigated in my adulthood. I debated on how transparent I was going to be about the occurrences but then I thought–if I am going to tell the story, then I will tell the story. 

Emotional Check-In: My anxiety was at 9,000 this week, but a huge relief came upon me when we cleaned out my house. To give context, I am not a hoarder, but I do keep a lot of memorial things because I feel so disconnected from my childhood and have limited access to my family, consistently. For a while, I have been anxious about how packed my house was, specifically the garage, with things that I wouldn’t have a reason to touch or use again. So, one week the bullet was bitten and I cleaned out the entire house. Room by room, relieving so many things that were hard to let go of. It definitely prepared me so much more for marriage. I realized that I held onto the old things to continue grieving and “honoring” what was lost or left behind. What this came with was never having space for all of the gifts in the present. That was such a hard truth to face–how do I stop serving what I lost to create space and enjoy what is here now, while also honoring the significant people and things that are no longer here?

I still haven’t figured it out either, but this is the best that I can do. 

In the midst of that, I experienced so much gratitude and relief. Gratitude appeared as I went through all of my things and saw the privilege to experience so much in my life. Relief came upon me when I knew that I had the strength to let go. Joy entered when I allowed the space for amazing new memories to make room. That, was a great maturity of becoming a wife. 

Marriage Planning Updates: Again–why didn’t you all warn me about blending families? There is such an internal shift (on both ends) in sacrifice, support, and stepping up to successfully blend a family. It takes intentional work, but if this is what you want, then it is worth it. We are also learning that co-parenting involves an extensive use of boundaries to prioritize our family unit, or other things can really disconnect our bond. As someone coming in with no kids, I have learned that there is an unimaginable world within my partner that I must jump in and adopt as it is my own. It’s like hopping on a treadmill at 6.0mph–it can be done, but you better move those feet! Yet, once you are running, it feels like a confident, enduring stride. We just pray through this daily.

Going to the family reunion was also insightful. Family dynamics are interesting for both of us. I promised that I would not go into detail with family matters in protection and privacy, but do know that it is essential to gain understanding and connection with the family that you are marrying into, TOGETHER.

Wedding Planning Updates: This week was so life-heavy that wedding planning was not an option. Hopefully, we can pick this back up soon. xo