The Days After the Proposal: Where the Work Began
Why did no one tell me the work starts as soon as the “YES” leaves your lips from the proposal!
Being engaged literally has a split feeling–either it’s super blissful because you are the fun, engaged couple, or all you feel is shift, transition, and work. While we are feeling the first part consistently, most of the time, it is the latter.
The next four months have been filled with test after test, pruning us both to prepare for the intricate characteristics needed to become husband and wife.
I would love to share a few quick thoughts that came up in the past few months. Hopefully, it helps someone because I definitely wish I saw these coming.
I am honestly shocked at how invested people become in your day, or not invested rather. Either they are too invested, as if it is their wedding, or they are pretending that it doesn’t exist. It is hard to find that healthy balance of holding space and maintaining consistent presence.
How people celebrate you will evolve over the years, which is an awkward transition to experience. This may be due to a host of things, of course, including life being extremely hard. It also may be that some relationship dynamics just change. And, that is just okay.
The sacredness of marriage should kick in at the proposal if it hasn’t already. If you are worried about the other things in the room, you are missing the point and trying to distract. Luckily, when I walked into the space, nothing else truly mattered more than connecting with the man I want to spend forever with.
As I plan the wedding guest list, recall a lot of people who were a part of my life. With this, I have to be so certain about this one thing—I can’t have one person there who I cannot tell if they are happy for me or not. Not one. No matter WHO they are to me.
The process towards getting married has become a divine aligning. I quickly saw myself become very sure about decisions and clear on where things should go after getting engaged. It almost felt sudden, as if an anointing fell on me. I became more decisive and more certain, peacefully.
Your friendships quickly change. If you are really preparing to be a wife, you move differently to ensure you are walking in that title. You don’t share the same things about your relationship, and you may not necessarily show up in the same way. It can be quite an awkward shift, but with the right people around, the transition can feel so aligned.
I am more excited for the marriage than I am for the wedding. And I am VERY excited for the wedding. I did not know this would be possible.
There's not too much more left of reserving yourself. Planning is more of an exposing process than executing, if you want to do it right. Planning for marriage is extremely vulnerable. I mean, you are truly exposed, and the more you try to protect yourself from your spouse and from the process, the more it harms the outcome.
Making time for each other becomes abundantly clear as an issue if it is not addressed. We did not celebrate our engagement until many days later and we felt it.
There are people who will harmlessly make it about them. They are really excited. Yet, boundaries have to happen. Quickly nip that in the bud.
There are people who will turn their nose up at how you want to do something at the wedding. Also, quickly nip that in the bud. As long as you and your spouse are satisfied, bring an elephant in the wedding if you want to. Yes, this was considered.
Alright—now that I have gotten a few vent-worthy parameters out of the way, I would love to dive into the meet and potatoes of “wedding planning”.
A lot of people often ask how wedding planning is going, but rarely ask how marriage planning is going. It is interesting because the marriage is the most significant part, and the true reason this even exists. Thus, we have to remind ourselves constantly to not get so wrapped up in the details of a wedding that we miss the details of a marriage. Nonetheless, we have been constantly reminded of those details. Constantly.
We have definitely been challenged to pump up our tools that we acquired through therapy. I will definitely go more into depth in the 50 weeks of engagement series, but for now, there are prominent things that have come up after the ring hugged my finger.
Some of the greatest subjects we have been discussing the most are things that feel so basic, yet have so much complexity. Here’s just a few to name.
Merging living spaces: Since I already have a house, Tracy and I decided he could move in and it become our house. What comes with that is the conversation on splitting responsibilities, comfortable ways of living, and how much of each person’s things would be present in the space.
How to spend money: When you are single, no one else is repsonsible for how you spend your money. But, when you begin to merge lives, spending habits then impact both parties. Think about it: you are planning all things together, so external random spending can impact the strategy towards those bigger plans. It is truly an effort of humbling.
Prioritizing time and consideration for each other: While neither of us are slaves to each other, there is now an understanding to check in and let each other know when we make plans or if plans change. As you build a household, a system starts to form. So, by keeping each other informed, that system can continue to run smoothly. With this, it is very easy (for us) to wrap ourselves up in other people and donate our time outside of our household. So, we have had to work extensively to ensure that while we love being present for others, we need to prioritize the space for us.
Emotional Connection: You truly have to be willing to know your partner. Understanding cues, creating space, and meeting needs has been the full-time name of the game. Things in the house become a lot smoother when we are willing to figure out how each other ticks.
Adaquate space and identity: while trying to increase and prioritize quality time together, we recognize that there needs to be space for our own friendships, hobbies, activities, and existence. It is so easy to get caught up in merging that you lose an essential part of yourself that regulates you as the person your spouse fell in love with. So again, finding ways to communicate that and putting it into the system structure truly brings cohesion.
These are just a FEW of the things we have come up against, but I am excited that it is on our mind to be challenged into loving each other in the way that we deserve.
Hopefully this gives you a great preview into our wedding journey, and I am excited for you to follow along through the 50 weeks of engagement!
