Grief

I thought before I share my intimate week-by-week experiences of getting married, I share my reflections on one of the biggest themes of this process—grief.

No one warned me of the grief that would arise during the wedding/marriage process. And, that it would include vast definitions of grief—death, changed relationships, absence, misalignment, illness, finances, and even how you view yourself. All of these instances may invoke a form of grief, and it seems maginified when something as significant and monumental as a wedding occurs.

I want to preface that there are other grieving moments that I am experiencing, but I would like to protect the character and identity of others. But please know, there are other living people who I am also grieving.

I am pretty deep in the pits of navigating pretty substantial vacancies that have still been hard to wrap my head around. I always dreamt of my grandpa walking me down the aisle with my daddy, but he is no longer here. I always dreamt of rolling my mama up to the front row in her wheelchair so that she can see my special day. Although she has been gone for almost 20 years, it is still hard to imagine this experience without her present every step of the way. I also recently experienced a health transition of my grandma, who has recently been a strong rock in my life. I never saw this occurrence coming, and I honestly don’t know if I will ever settle into it. It feels unfair. It feels targeted.

I have cried so many nights. I have sought prayer in so many more spaces than I ever have in the past. I have opened up about so many more feelings than I have ever addressed before. This season has unlocked a version of me that I was not aware that I could tap into. I have slowly shuffled my feet down the journey of wedding planning because it hurts to make big decisions without the people who mean the most. I have fought and wrestled with the arising emotions that come with acknowledging and accepting the current truths of my life’s circumstances. 

I don’t know if you have ever dealt with this, but there is no instruction manual on how to appropriately navigate the grief. I continue to feel guilty for being excited to plan a wedding while my grandma is sick, so I pause the process to “honor” her. I work extensively to give everything to my mom and make this special for her AND I, which is difficult to manage. I want the experience to feel normal—feel, traditional—to cancel out the lack of normality that I have faced all through my life. 

Bah, this is where I invite the healing and acceptance in.

The true truth is, I have to allow a new version of normal. I have to kindly hold space for my perspective of what my wedding season would look like, and gently remind it of the current circumstances. I then can acknowledge it, accept it, and create a beautiful revised perspective of this wedding preparation season. This gives opportunity to honor all of those who mean the most to me, while also understanding the reality and beauty in the current circumstances. I believe this declaration will lead me to a grounded place of and peace–which is what I deserve, and need, in this season. It will take a lot of work, intentionality, and grace, but I am up for the challenge. Honestly, why not?

My Declaration: I will create space and honor those who are not physically present for the wedding/marriage process, and I will allow opportunities to process emotions as they arise. With this, I will enjoy the extremely exciting wedding/marriage planning process and live in all of the high moments! I will only be engaged once, and so I will enjoy it since my life deserves to be enjoyed. In fact, it will honor them more by being fully present in all of the experiences within this process—good and bad. Additionally, I will allow myself to receive from those who are open to supporting me, and it will serve as an overflow for my life—not a replacement. Finally, I will continue to seek and create fun ways to make this process amazing and unforgettable. I am getting married, and I am so excited!

So, as I go through our guest list, and see a few names I had to delete, or a couple of names that have a question mark, I also see how many people God blessed me with to stand in the gaps–not as a replacement, but as support. This is who I am, and this is the life that has been created for me. I will stand firm in it and be in joy. 

But whew, I will also make space to grieve.