Learning and Loving Through Health Challenges
If you haven’t heard from our story, something special about our relationship is the call to navigate health challenges together. Tracy is currently navigating kidney failure, which he was diagnosed with in March of 2023. Additionally, I was recently diagnosed with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), which is an aggressive form of depression before my cycle. Beautifully, neither of us knew about either of these things, so it was a huge learning curve for the both of us.
I think our future video/podcast will best tell this story (wink wink, nudge nudge), but October 2022-March 2023 had to be the scariest season of my life. It all started with a bout of coughing from Tracy that wouldn’t seem to cease, no matter the efforts. It then transitioned into continuous vomiting—like daily—that had no hopes of ceasing. It was terrifying to witness, and I am sure more terrifying to endure. Finally, after a needed visit to the hospital, we learned that Tracy was in kidney failure, stage 4. As Tracy recently lost his father to this exact thing, so many emotions came over him and this journey. Nonetheless, we handled it the best that we could together. We started to attempt workouts and changing eating habits, but the symptoms seemed to persist. On the day after Valentines Day, Tracy truly couldn’t breathe at all. I went to his apartment to check on him, and he was stuck in his car and unable to move. I randomly always had an oximeter on me (don’t judge me, COVID scarred me), and so I put it on his finger. His oxygen was at 61%. You are not supposed be below 90% without quickly heading to a hospital. I was calmly devastated, and quickly drove him to the hospital. We found out that he had 60 pounds of fluid in his lungs with double pneumonia. SIXTY POUNDS. He later caved into the emotional decision to partake in dialysis treatment for his kidneys.
There’s so much of this story that I cannot even bare to type because it was one of the most emotional seasons of my life, and it is still so emotional to reflect on. I remember the prayers I prayed while at church, at the alter, crying my eyes out. I asked God just for ONE more date, even if he has an oxygen tank and a wheelchair. We could make it work.
My God is so good.
He not only gave me one more date, but many. They dialyzed 60 pounds of fluid from his lungs and more, and since then, he has not experienced any issues with breathing or his lungs. Over time, he truly reshaped his eating patterns and dove deeply into working out with me. There are these beautiful moments where he can run around with his son, DJ at the most hype events, and live a life that we both never imagined would come next. Over the past two years, I have also witnessed the tough dialysis days and exhaustion, the weakness in his body, and the frustration of not being able to live a fully “normal” life with his family. We have walked through it all, and overcame even more.
And then there is me, with a not-so-surprising diagnosis of PMDD. Before being medicated, my depressive episodes were impossible to control. Even reflecting on it now, it makes me so emotional to think about how much I struggled with loving myself and seeing the value in life. Although I was no longer “suicidal”, I was impulsive. Everything triggered me. So, being in a relationship while everything in life served as a “threat” was quite a roller coaster. There were beautiful moments where I would have breakthroughs in hard situations, and there were moments where we both thought that this would be the end for me.
The point is to share that we had to learn to love with each other where we are, and choose to learn new tools to truly walk with each other in our illnesses. We had our own traumas and perceptions around each others’ illness, so we worked extensively in therapy to confront and navigate. I think we both agree that our diagnosis frankly, well, suck. And, we also love those parts of each other just as adamantly as all of the “good” things. It makes us who we are and makes our relationship what it is. We also have learned to truly make space for our health, individually and collectively. It is not our identity, but it is our experience. It is essential to make sure that neither of us feel as if we only show up for each other when we are “healthy”, but that we also pour into the moments when we are navigating our health to truly feel like a committed team.
I love that we can truly find partnership in the midst of the hardest things we go through. I love that I have someone to walk through these things with, and someone who I can walk with. It is truly a testament of God’s love for us, and that He is truly a Healer. xo
