Before The Proposal: The Process and Preparation of Fiancéhood

The ultimate day arrived: Tracy proposed to me on Saturday, December 14, 2024. A breathless moment of true bliss and divine alignment cannot be treasured without giving honor to the intense journey that God took me on several months before. The moral of the story: A proposal is not just a ring. It is a timely, Godly alignment.

Let me explain.

Six months before: 

If you asked anyone, then they could confirm—I had a negative relationship (let’s say, ugly) with marriage, getting married, and the proposal. It was truly bothering me, especially when so many people had insight on when we “should have” been engaged. I was very focused on the necessity of having a ring, but rarely gave the same level of energy towards becoming a wife.

A series of tough occurrences happened over the year of 2024. I was recently laid off of my long-term Director position and was fully invested into my business. After having several clients during the first half of the year, I ran into a major pause. No clients, no income. I also was diagnosed officially with PMDD, or Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder and took medication for the first time in my life. So, the last thing I needed within this season is to also be reminded of how much of a girlfriend I was. I was “manifesting” being a wife and asking God for it to happen, but was not walking in the ordered steps that God has laid down for me. It almost felt like a form of witchcraft. Actually, it was.

On top of this, I heard the chatter–people were so ready for me to become married, and even MORE ready for me to be engaged. This felt backwards because there was such an emphasis on the aesthetics of being engaged/married, but less energy towards building as a wife. Nonetheless, I think if God would have revealed the latter to me, I may have quickly ran away prematurely. To be transparent, I just didn’t understand what I didn’t understand. I had every intention to be a great wife, but I didn’t understand how being a healthy, balanced, secure, and respectful woman alone played into that.

Three months before: 

A series of life events changed the position of my heart. I found myself in deep financial issues while trying to build my business that left me in a place of disappointment and dismay. To put plainly, I had NO money coming in, and my savings were nearly gone. I would go into more detail, but that would be a different blog topic on how God humbled and healed me. :)

I have to be honest in saying that I did not handle it well whatsoever. I emotionally caved. I was so mean, cold, and negative. Again, it was ugly. I never saw myself like this before! Because of this, I had no interest in thinking about marriage. In fact, I aggressively dropped these rules into my life that included I CANNOT get engaged until I make six figures and have all of my responsibilities fully taken care of, and that I was no longer stressing about my career. I saw myself as worthless otherwise. This was part of the internal adjustment that needed to happen.

I was called to be a wife. Long story short, I had a spiritual dream that I was called to be a wife. Thus, no matter what socio-economic status I was currently in, or how well I was doing in my business, my qualifications did not change in the eyes of the Lord. I then learned that I needed to discontinue serving pride and serving the thoughts of the world, and focus on what God has prepared for me, which was becoming a wife as I am.Even more, I had to surrender and trust that God’s storyline for my life was simply better than the one I expected for myself. That piece was the hardest.

Thinking back on the abusive self-talk I used scares me because I truly kept myself in a box as a punishment for not succeeding enough. I had cold, rigid, boundaries on what I deserved, and a caring loving husband wasn’t one of them. With this, because of things not being in order within my life, I saw a husband as a burden–another responsibility I would have to take care of that I would fail at. I have to pause here to recognize how unattached I was to what marriage really was, and the ministry of marriage. I saw it as another thing in my life to audit as pass or fail—judged by the host of witnesses around me. As Hebrews 12:1 shares, this is my moment to actually put aside the things that weigh me down (doubt, frustration, condemnation, fear, hate), and run with endurance knowing that God laid out an incredible path for me. I need to walk as a demonstration of Him to these witnesses and not a representation of my worldly circumstances. I had to LET THE PRIDE GO.

As eager as it seemed that I “should have” been engaged by then, I am deeply glad that I wasn’t. 

One month before:

Despite the consistent reflection on this season of my life, I saw how poorly I handled adversity, how I had no internal compass of how I want to live my life, and a terrible attitude over life itself. It was disappointing to see myself in that form. Yet, I thank God for the transformative test.

The test challenged and edified how I need to show up to create a long-lasting life in gladness and joy. I had to heal through old family and friendship wounds, as well as lay down professional wounds that bruised my esteem, but all of that taught me how to finally connect with myself. I thank God that He kept His firm hand on my steps because He knew what to reveal to me and when to reveal it. Whew—it was rough, chile.

So finally, one day, I surrendered. I surrendered to the expectations that life placed upon me. I surrendered to all of the ideas of how life should go that kept me captive and kept me exhausted. I didn’t even have the bandwidth to hold them up anymore. I held up so much resentment to myself and others because I was not where I “should” be to “qualify for engagement”, and everyone else wouldn’t “let me” be at the season I was in because they wanted us to be engaged now. Talk about a lack of boundaries and self-love. Chile, I was tired. I HAD to surrender because the blessings that God had for my life burst outside the cage of rules I created. It was like releasing the back clips of a bra that you were wearing all day and it was just too tight. I had to break free.

In this time, I became more connected with my roots. I started working with the youth again and teaching wellness classes. I deeply focused on my weight loss journey and poured into my grandmother. While times seemed a little hectic, I felt myself becoming more grounded as I vulnerably let go of the rules to govern my life. I embraced, confronted, and healed the shame that came with enjoying life while not being where you desire to be in that life. I saw that there was something so much more golden about living in the peace of life than finding comfort in restrictive narratives in efforts to “push” myself. I recognize that this wasn’t a job for me to push–this was God’s.

This changed my entire outlook on preparing for marriage, and for receiving a proposal. I all of a sudden saw how serious this process was, and began to take it as such. I saw that once that small (but VERY large) moment of “will you marry me” passes, there’s a lifetime of work to begin. And, it started with me and my mindset. In this time, my fiance, Tracy, got involved with a men’s church group. This convicted me because he was investing great efforts in becoming the husband God called him to be, and I was here still “manifesting” a ring. I heard God tug me to dig deeper, heal humbly, and submit severely. As so many heavy things occurred in my life during this season, I didn’t know if I had much more to push within me. Yet, when I first thought of the love that my Lord and Savior has for me, and how He sent me a man that loves me so much, and thought of how much I love this man, I knew in God’s Will there was more room to stretch. And it was one day in church, about two weeks before the proposal, I heard God clearly say, “you will waste that man’s time being married to him if you are not going to actually be a wife.”

Whew. 

That transformed me just in time, for the Holy day.